nablopomo

nablopomo

My mortgage company is much funnier than a uterus, and to make the point clear, they sent me a letter saying that from now on my bill would be nearly twice as much as normal, and instead of throwing back my head, wrapping my suddenly blurry hands around my belly and laughing, I tried to figure out some of the past niceties that would be henceforth sacrificed for necessities. I even made a list, which would make Jenny proud (plus I made arrangements to continue my Tequilacon research next week…)

* Toilet paper – 1, Rolling papers – 0
* Malt liquor – 1, Wine in a bottle – 0
* Electricity – 1, Detergent – 0
* Cell phone – 1, Actually calling people – 0
* Work – 1, Sleep – 0

Needless to say, by the time I realized I would have to cancel my DSL subscription in favor of talking with my family in order to conform to the new budgetary realities, I knew the joke was no longer funny. I called my mortgage company, and we tossed around confusatory terms like ‘Escrow,’ ‘PMI,’ and ‘Scorched Colon,’ before we finally got to the root of the typo. They’re sending me $5,000 to just forget about the whole thing. What thing? I said, and we both laughed, the joke finally funny.

Also funnier than a uterus and likewise a reason for keeping a list in scorecard-type format? Household pets. Because as I looked down at my daughter’s play table, I noticed that she had finally realized her lifelong goal of catching one of our aquarium fish with her bare hands.

GODDAMNIT! I screamed, not yet getting the joke, and rushed the poor little thing back into its native environment, where it promptly did tricks as if to say, NO HARM, NO FOUL. The first few tricks were easy, as it merely did little upside-down flips and pirouettes underneath the aerator, keeping perfect cadence with the stream of water. The last trick, where it lodged itself into the filter intake, was a little less amusing, the goldfish finding it SO unfunny, that they promptly ate his eyeballs. In the morning, he was gone, and my guess is he took the proverbial show on the road.

* Naya – 1, Gymnocorymbus ternetzi – 0