beaver_seal

beaver_seal

I woke up in the middle of the night laughing at what I thought would have been a terrific one-liner so I logged it to my MENTAL NOTE (the space within my temporal cortex that can store up to ONE SENTENCE AT A TIME) and went back to sleep, confident that if anyone could POSSIBLY win a Booker Prize based on one line alone then SURELY it would be ME for my Joyce-esque midnight musing.

I woke up several hours later and immediately typed, “They gave each other dirty air kisses, like in a hardcore lesbian scene where the girls press their cheeks together and flit their tongues in and out like snakes-a-capella.”

Well, I’m not Irish, so it’s a moot point, anyhoo.

And if you can believe it, the day only got more disappointing after that.

A conversation.

/cue the ducks

Unnamed friend: You look…(viagra commercial like pause)…different.
Me: Yeah, I’ve been working out. My ass hurts.
Unnamed friend: HAHAHAHAHA! PRISON HUMOR!
Me: No, really. I’m all wore out. Word.
Unnamed friend: What? You been running?
Me: Nah.
Unnamed friend: Mountainbiking? Swimming?
Me: Nope.
Unnamed friend: What then?
Me: Yourself! Fitness with Maya on Xbox.
Unnamed friend: Maya?
Me: Yes, Maya. She’s created a personalized fitness routine based on my abilities and goals. And she pushes me. And she appreciates me for who I am. And she laughs at my jokes. And she thinks walks on the beach are stupid.
Unnamed friend: You’re falling in love with her.
Me: Okay, that’s not funny!
Unnamed friend: I can tell. Look at you. You’re brooding.
Me: I am NOT brooding.
Unnamed friend: You’re channeling Heathcliff for chrissakes.
Me: WHATEVS! Heathcliff is NOT a real person!
Unnamed friend: Neither is Maya.
ME: TAKE IT BACK!

Ahem.