YOU CAN'T GET WITH THIS

YOU CAN'T GET WITH THIS

Civil liberties are the freedoms that help individuals ward off unwanted government penetration into our lives and persons (Hi, Mark!). Sort of like post-pubescent genital hair.

Of course, history proves that when very bad people blow up your flying machines, the government penetrators will react by punishing YOU, similar to how in the 1970s, rape victims were often accused of provoking their molesters (Hi, Mark!). This, of course, confused the molesters into doing it again and again and again until they were just so raw from guilt that they were forced to change their names and move to other communities nearby with open school board positions. I think this is called reverse psychosis.

Because I’m smarter than most people, due to my liberal arts degree and a few wise choices (GLUE: NO, LSD: YES pdreslk daldk e!) the fact that I'M being punished because of what some fanatics did makes a kind of clever sense. Punishing the actual criminals is so, I don't know, predictable. What’s clearly needed is some outside-the-box thinking, and whatnot. Whenever I get frisked in the airport security line and asked to pronounce some particularly difficult English language words, like ‘heifer’ and ‘gall dang,’ I never forget to wink at the minimum wage staffer. SOLIDARITY.

But my honest opinion is that most of us are not doing enough to confuse the terrorists by our legal self-flagellation and lurid instant messaging (KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, MARK!). If we really want to bust a rhyme, we need to show the world that we’re not ADDICTED to our freedoms. Really. We can quit anytime. We only do it occasionally. We just do it to relax and to avoid making OTHERS who are TRULY addicted to freedom less uncomfortable. Really.

NOW YOU’RE SOUNDING LIKE A SEPARATIST.

But because I’m willing to put my money ($1,137.45) where my mouth is (ASS), I hereby pledge to give up even more of these freedoms in an effort to confuse those who really want to fuck us over (NOT YOU, MARK!).

However, before you start littering my gangplank with rose petals and flag scraps, I should be forthcoming and admit, “IT’S NOT LIKE I WAS USING MY CIVIL LIBERTIES, ANYWAY™©.”

In fact, here is just a small sampling of the civil liberties I wasn’t even using anyway™©:

Freedom of assembly (Big crowds of people creep me out, especially WTO mobs)
Freedom of religion (No church for 16 years and counting!)
Right to a fair trial (NOTHING TO HIDE)
Private consensual homosexual sex (much)

(I could go on with a more extensive offering of civil liberties I wasn’t even using anyway ™©, but it’s a surprisingly long list. Seriously, a cursory glance of the Constitution seems to indicate that our forefathers might have even gone a little overboard with all this freedom stuff. I think perhaps they knew that one day we would be attacked by radical extremists.)

So to the evildoers, I say BRING IT. I bet I have as many freedoms as you have bombs. And I’m not afraid to lose them.