icky!

icky!

The radio airwaves are replete with our state’s move towards ALL MALE VOTING, and this pleases my inner-suffragist, because if there is anyone responsible for the WHORE IN IRAQ, it must, by definition, be a woman.

In any case, I just finished my absentee ballot (IF ONLY PARENTING WERE THIS SANCTIONED), and I plan on MAILING it in tomorrow, because I can’t be bothered on the second Tuesday of November, as I will be starting the single greatest business of all time: a company that will take all of your keys and convert them into one single universal master key.

I’ll wait a moment while you pick yourself up off the floor.

First of all, NO, I am not sharing my forthcoming riches with you, nor will I have my multinational conglomerate cut you a deal just because you supported me when I was little more than a chatty alcoholic with access to the Internet.

Secondly, you don’t even support me, anyway, because I can hear you saying, ‘But such a company isn’t possible, because not all keys are the same size, and some keys cannot even legally be copied, and some keys are metaphorical keys, like the keys to my heart, and I have a new tenant who DOESN’T have herpes, you sore loser.’

And to that, I say: AMERICA.

That’s right, I’m dropping the patriotic argument on you. This is a bad-ass nation. We put a man on the moon, and you’re trying to tell me that I can’t start a company that can turn all of my keys into one single piece of copper that will not only open all of my doors, start my car and lock my kids in the gun safe, but also send my messages, photos and e-mail via blue tooth? You’re trying to say that even though we are bad-ass enough to bomb the country that DIDN’T attack us, I can’t forge a one inch piece of steel to bow to my every whim? All I have to say to you, Kim Jong Il, is that if North Korea ever attacks us, Bolivia better watch-thefuck-out, because this is America and ANYTHING is possible. A-fucking-men.

By the way, in addition to the next Fortune 500 company, I have also invented another new word: infuckification, which is ‘the act of inserting a derivative of ‘fuck’ between the syllables of another word for emphasis. For example, ‘Un-fucking-believable,’ ‘Fan-fucking-tastic,’ ‘Al-thefuck-most,’ et-fucking-cetera.

I’m thinking of calling my new company FreeKey, or maybe Allkey, or DuckKey, or WhisKey or DostoevsKey. I don’t know, the name’s not important, it’s the concept that’s key, and the concept here is BAD-ASS AMERIKEY. Ooh! I like that! If America were an adjective, it would be Amerikey. As in, this hot dog and fried twinkie tastes very amer-icky. That silicon blonde with the sub-mediocre singing voice sounds very amer-icky.

In any case, please send me your keys and $450 dollars in 8 easy installments.

Did I mention I voted today?