the daily dump
As a child, one of the most difficult doses of reality ever rammed down my throat was that the people we love are not only temporal, but easily replaced by approximate look alikes. Step back with me a moment in time (I CAN DO THAT HERE). It’s a tiny house in Central Texas. My pre-pubescent erection is in the READY TO LAUNCH position. That old familiar ad for Ivory Soap airs (OH I CAN FEEL IT), and then the camera wipes to a star-filter shot of a candle in a darkened room, a bath tub faintly visible in the background (IS THAT A WOMAN’S CALF BEING LATHERED UP? HOLDITHOLDITHOLDIT…)
When, suddenly, an announcer’s voice interrupts the daily dream, “The role of Jill Foster Abbott will be played today by Jess Walton.”
OMFG WTF
FAST FORWARD TWO DECADES
Dan turned in his wings today. He lost his edge.
Pfft. I can fill in for Dan. At least a day, anyway….
NEW YORK CITY
NONDESCRIPT OFFICE BUILDING
Anyways, I’m waiting for the elevator, in between my lunch break and mid-afternoon jaunt to a casting party for Law and Order: THE MOVIE, when I decide to call the girlfriend and move to Canada, because I once hit on a French waitress who held a side-gig as a Sears Portrait Photographer, when some homeless man sidles up beside me and asks me my opinion on the state of public breastfeeding.
Because I’m usually bored at work from the time I arrive (10:30) until my lunch break (11:20), I know enough about breastfeeding to recite an uproar first reported on My Yahoo!.
“At least we’re not penguins,” I say.
To which the homeless man replies, “Come again?”
“Because, you know, penguin males actually produce milk for their offspring.”
The man, who suddenly sounds like Morgan Freeman, says, “I agree. The love between the male emperor penguins, abandoned by the women, is a model for the new society.”
To which I reply, “No, I mean can you imagine the uproar if kids had to get their nourishment from your cock? Demi Moore naked on the cover of Vanity Fair would be pretty mild in comparison.”
It was the first time I ever made a homeless man vomit without the benefit of a Jagerbomb.
I think I’ve finally gotten the hang of this town.
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