Two Candidates

Two Candidates

I lied, once, in a job interview, and on an unrelated note, I made a promise to myself not to be cryptic, because these days even I don’t understand what the hell I’m talking about, and I find that I’m worshiping ambiguity if only because clarity burns. I lied about politics, telling a prospective employer that I love politics, when in fact, I only chewed on politics for awhile with a big, appreciative grin on my face, and when my parents weren’t looking, I spit out politics underneath the table so that my dog would eat it. The dog sniffed politics and turned away from it without so much as a bite, and THE DOG WAS WELL KNOWN TO EAT CAT SHIT DIRECT FROM THE LITTER BOX ON A REGULAR BASIS.

Sometimes I think I’m different, and other times I actually say it out loud. When people are around.

Nevertheless, these are the season of campaign. And my views are up for reelection.

Gun rights. In high school, I was a proud member of the N R of A. Enamored of the man, much more than the message. NRA had such a passion. You could tell there was conviction behind the conviction. He won in a landslide.

Sadly, the results were lousy.

/cue the ducks

Me: So, I think that we should be able to carry rocket launchers if we want, and here’s why…
Date: /Quietly gets up from the table and leaves.
Me: /Doesn’t get laid.

Gun Rights lost badly when he was up for reelection, not even getting past the primary.

Religion. I have fond memories of Catholicism. My altar boy robe was very likely the only new item of clothing I ever wore in 12 years of pre-adolescence. Until I was very old, I could not fall asleep unless I had gone through my litany of prayer. SALVATION REMAINED WITHIN MY GRASP.

Gah.

/cue the ducks

Me: So how come the priest ain’t taking Naya behind the altar like those other babies?
Alex: In our baptism ritual, only the boys are allowed past the altar.
Me: WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DAUGHTER?!?
Alex: I don’t know. Because she doesn’t have a penis? You’re not coming to Easter mass, are you?
Me: I’ll be at Hooters.

Religion struggled in the last election to unite its base.

International Relations. This guy really energized the constituency with some skillful rhetoric. I mean, my family is Mexican-American, and even I was lining up to add a few bricks to the wall.

/cue the ducks

Her: Look, all I’m saying is why should I feel more of an allegiance to the people of South Florida, which is 3500 miles away than I do to the people of Vancouver, which is only 150 miles away and whose residents don’t shoot me when I drive 2 miles under the speed limit?
Me: You’re really, really pretty.

And she was.