FLAPPERS ALWAYS PRECEDE A GREAT DEPRESSION, AKA 'I'M GROWING A BOB'*
Dear TequilaConPACNW07 ('This time it means business'...for Jenny) Committee,
I conducted my first field visit for potential TequilaConPACNW07 sites, saving the receipts so that I might deduct them from my taxes, and also so as to retrace my steps in search of personal effects left behind such as wallets, children and dignity.
I left the house smartly dressed in a white shirt that matches my blue jacket, veteran of every TequilaCon since 2004.
And then Portland decided it would be 98 degrees.
NOTE TO SELF: MAKE SURE PEOPLE DO NOT BRING THEIR JACKETS OR WEAR WHITE
The first locale on the itinerary was XV, and while I expected Roman cvisine, the closest item on the menv I covld find was something called KENTVCKY COOLER.
Not all was lost, however, becavse the other items I fovnd at XV were Sibyl! and Vahid, two of the fvnniest people I have ever met at XV. And they tavght me a secret handshake.
NOTE TO SELF: NOTHING SCREAMS INCLUSION LIKE SECRET HANDSHAKES. PLEASE INVENT A SECRET HANDSHAKE FOR TEQUILACON. BUT IT HAS TO BE COOL. I'M THINKING: GUY EXTENDS MIDDLE AND INDEX FINGER AND GIRL TAKES GUY'S FINGERS IN HER FISTS AND TUGS THEM FIVE TIMES TOWARDS HER COLLARBONE.
XV also has yam fries.
Totally random scoring chart for XV: 15
Ease of finding bathroom: IV
Bathroom lighting level for self portrait: III
Nvmber of people who walked into bathroom whilst preening: 0 (What the hell is the Roman Nvmeral for zero? Oh, wait, yov have to pvt a I in front of the nvmber to decrease that nvmber by one. So the Roman Nvmeral for zero is II. Dvh.)
Quality of teqvila: It was fine (III). Bvt they didn't have Cvervo (II).
Dark corners for groping: V
Svmmary: XV ain't gonna work. It's too small.
So, Sibyl!, Vahid and I left XV for Kell's Irish Pub, where we would eventually meet up with Jaymarie, but not until after we left for doughnuts and then returned. So this is only the FIRST PART of the Kell's review.
KELL'S PART ONE (NOTE FOR ALL YOU YOUNG WRITERS: GOOD STORIES ALWAYS COME IN MULTIPLE PARTS. BUILD THE SUSPENSE, PEOPLE!):
The first thing I should point out is that in addition to being funny, Sibyl! is everything to look at. And one of the benefits of walking with someone who is stunning is that perfect strangers just come right up to you and ask you all sorts of questions, because obviously they want to know your secret. Obviously.
/cue the ducks
PERFECT STRANGER WALKING UP TO ME: Hey, do you have any money?
ME, WALKING ALONGSIDE SIBYL!: THE GIRL IS MINE AND I’M NOT SHARING MY SECRET!
PERFECT STRANGER: What?
ME: I've got a tin of brand new mints?
PERFECT STRANGER: Sure.
ME /hands my as of yet unopened tin of Altoids to this perfect stranger, obviously jealous that I'm walking with Sibyl!: SUCKER
And this is where Vahid said, “If you give the waiter $1.50, he’ll throw it at the ceiling and it will stick.”
And Vahid never heard a grown man laugh so loudly as I did just then, but sure enough, no sooner had I finished my cackles with one loud hack, a decidedly non-Irish looking waiter appeared and threw Vahid’s buck-fitty to the ceiling, where it stuck. And by now it was Sunday, so I said a silent Hail Mary and it was, indeed, good.
SCORE: 100
Totally random scoring chart for Kell's PART I: 100
Number of mints lost: 100
After finishing our Boddington Ales, we left, me despondent because Jaymarie hadn’t arrived, and it seemed that once again I would invite a beautiful, charming girl out for booze and stumble away drunk before she had yet alerted the authorities that HE WON’T STOP CALLING.
And one bite into a donut, and one secret handshake later, Sibyl! and I returned to Kell’s.
Kell’s is one of those joints where you somehow get to meet someone you always wanted to meet. And Jaymarie is charming and sweet and a great conversationalist.
Totally random scoring chart for Kell's PART II:
Ease of finding bathroom: 4
Number of unbelievably attractive women who accompany you to bathroom: 1
Number of bagpipists (Bagpipers? No, that sounds dirty…) who elbow you in the forehead whilst trying to impress said beautiful girl: 4
Quality of tequila: What?
Tequila?: Whatever.
TOTAL KELL'S SCORE: 100+
Summary: Kell’s is in the lead, if only because many of the men there were wearing skirts, which improves my chances of being fondled.
Finally, after saying goodbye to Sibyl! (I’m sure she still has the claw marks where a crowd of onlookers pried me away from her to prove it), Jaymarie and her friends and I wandered down 3rd to Veritable Quandary, exactly one block from where I used to work (and drink during work) and we drank.
Unfortunately, by the time we got to Veritable Quandary, I was quite pleased with myself, because I had somehow convinced myself that I was not intequilacated. And then I heard these words flow from my mouth: I WOULD TOTALLY GET A BRAZILIAN.
Number of times it seemed like I said out loud, “I WOULD TOTALLY GET A BRAZILIAN.”**: 1 BILLION
TOTAL VERITABLE QUANDARY SCORE: MINUS 1 BILLION
* Alternate title: DAY 481, in affectionate tribute to this woman, who deserves a few reasons to smile.
** BE FOREWARNED. I WILL PROBABLY SAY THE EXACT SAME THING WHEN WE MEET.
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