Yelm Area Crime Report

martha

As a parent, you face two choices in helping your children avoid rampaging livestock, and sadly, moving to rural Washington State, is the OPPOSITE of both these choices, and of course, it's the second mistake I ever made as a parent.

(The first was in Lexington, South Carolina, when I accepted Tristan from the Certified Midwife in the first place, when we had no business being parents.

/cue the ducks

Me, upon being handed the newborn whom we would eventually name Tristan: Oh, that's awfully sweet of you. But we can't take this. It's, uh, too nice.
Midwife: Oh, you're funny. The humor will help you through these first few days until you adjust. The two of you will be wonderful parents.
Me, pushing baby away: No, really. We just wanted a cat.
Midwife: Okay, now take the baby. You made it.
Me: WE WERE JUST WRESTLING.
Midwife: All first-time parents experience a bit of fear in the beginning. It's perfectly norm---
Me, covering ears with hands and shouting at newborn: YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER! CALL FOR HELP, WEE ONE!)

So it only adds to your sense of dread when you turn on the AM radio and hear that the skies are practically red with the blood of crime victims. Today, in the town where I live, an area I once thought was safe, an idyllic haven from violence and fornication, one man was injured while he and his friend tried to 'maneuver' a bull into its holding pen. The attack, I should point out, and this is what makes the crime so senseless, was UNPROVOKED. Apparently the bull just DECIDED today would be the day he shattered our dreams. A sheriff was called in, and ultimately had to 'put the bull down,' but I have no desire to add insult to injury, so a letter to the local weekly will not be forthcoming. I'll be too busy nailing plywood over my windows and spray painting 'YOU'RE NOT SAFE HERE' on my neighbors' cars.

But lest you think I'm overreacting, I should also point out that less than ten miles up the road, a decomposed body was discovered wrapped in clothing. Apparently, the body was that of a family pet, but my question, had I not been so afraid as to roll up my windows and speed by the crime scene at 45 miles per hour would have been, "AND TO WHOM DO THOSE CLOTHES BELONG? AND WHAT IS OUR GOVERNMENT NOT TELLING US?" And I would have been duly sarcastic in stressing the word, 'OUR.'

This area, apparently, has been living a lie. Masquerading as Xanadu, its true identity SODOM. And as a Former Ex-Volunteer Firefighter/EMT, I know all about the dangers of LIES. And also that there is nothing more disgraceful than pretending to be someone you are not.