A Treatise on Blog War

The little town I drive through every day has three old churches, none of which actually serves as a house of worship, unless you worship antiques, guns or squatters. People just don't go to church anymore (GUILTY). I think it has to do with the loss of much of church's erstwhile entertainment value, namely violence. Gone are the days of preachers breathing fire and brimstone (REPENT). In fact, most people don't even know what brimstone really is (LOOKED IT UP JUST NOW).

It all brings to mind an internal conflict I’ve suffered through of late, the resulting TRANSFORMATION of which is more than meets the eye. Dan commented a ways back about a desire to become lifelong adversaries only to reconcile at the end, and this seemed a fine thing, because that always makes for good folklore. I mean raise your hand if you didn’t shed a tear upon first hearing that John Adams’ last words were, ‘Thomas Jefferson – still surv—hack wheeze cough grlblblbb…’ Those former adversaries who in their last days would likely have been co-hosting giant plantation orgies save but for the invention of a little blue pill, probably saying things like, ‘It’s only gay if the balls touch!’, but not the least bit uncomfortable in doing so. Old men are funny that way. And reconciled adversaries are touching.

So in my mind, I’ve been competing with random bloggers, to get a feel for competition, and it reminded me of a time in real life when another popular fellow took me under his wing, and as I grew to be his equal, stopped talking to me, other than in passive aggressive undertones, making it perfectly clear that we were now at war, and that he regretted the first time he ever helped me out and in fact probably wished that I would be stricken with herpes (NOT THE GOOD HERPES), and I remember finally discovering this and thinking, ‘THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME FEELING IN THE WORLD.’

There are so many analogies here. Think of raising a child to take on the family business. Unless you can look back on plenty of fond memories humiliating the kid in front of the neighbors, the resulting satisfaction of his superior sales will feel mostly hollow. Or in acting, imagine that moment when the director calls for the understudy to take the lead, leaving you consequently unable to pay your rent without a dancing gig that leads to the following line of weekly phone call dialogue: ‘No, Mom, it’s LEGITIMATE.’ /rolls eyes

And this little imaginary war with the other bloggers was going well, in my mind, anyway, until I discovered that suddenly all of them had surpassed me in the Technorati rankings, and it was then that I realized that WAR IS STUPID ANYWAY. Violence is never the answer, and people who think so should be beaten. And when C-list bloggers go to war, the only winner is Haliburton.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t pick an adversary, but for God’s sake, don’t pick someone who actually cares about this sort of thing, and for God’s sake, don’t actually TELL them you’re at war, just do it in your head, and for God’s sake, don’t fight with a boy, because boys are stronger, and even though I was once beaten up by a girl, that doesn't detract from the truth of this statement, it only makes it harder to digest. EVENTUALLY, WE ALL COME TO REALIZE THAT TRUTH IS HARD TO DIGEST.

RECAP:
War is fine so long as:
1. You only fight with the weak.
2. Once the weak become stronger than you, you reconcile and have sex.
3. You don’t ever tell the person that you’re fighting that you’re at war.
4. You don’t hit girls, and if they start to hit back, run, because they’re surprisingly accurate and strong.
5. You go to church afterwards, or at the very least DRIVE by a church, even if it’s a church that sells firearms.