Amputate

Amputate

I tend to dwell inside my head, where I share space with two men: one of whom is the most awesome boy I know (think: MALE PATTERN BADNESS) and the other is a little rough around the edges (think: BEDWETTING). And occasionally the awesome boy meets someone and pinky-swears BFF, but then the BEDWETTER steps in and starts telling stories.

“I remember in college I was once invited to a guy’s house, and not really knowing anyone at the time, I eagerly accepted. Sadly, halfway through the evening one of the guy’s friends decided it would be entertaining to use up all of his childhood anger on me, and this went on and on and on, just like it seems to once you realize that someone who has been nice to you steps back as his friends pummel the shit out of you. But I remember thinking that at some point, naively, my friend would step in and put a stop to the insults, but he didn't. I left feeling about as low about myself as I ever had, and as you might imagine, never returned again. And let there be no mistake. I WAS at fault. Not my friend. He was only doing what friends do: turn away as their friends make mistakes. He was forgiving. I was the enabler.”

The BEDWETTER is always saying shit like this. Pealing in the background like so many premature knells announcing the right answer after everyone’s already turned in their game show tickets. Forcing you to make a stand.

Occasionally, I de-link people in real life, too.

* * *

You know that old cartoon where the man down on his luck finds the frog who could sing and dance, but around other people it remained oddly silent?

It’s an awfully lonely feeling to be the only one who believes in you.

And yet when I witnessed this phenomenon the other day, I realized that in the scenario I just described, I was acting remarkably similar to the frog. I always thought that it was ME who was the man down on his luck.

But apparently I give just as good as I get.

* * *

This is a blog. This is only a blog. If this had been an actual life, the post you just read would have been followed by official news, instructions or binge drinking.