DOWN THERE

grapes4

I would gladly embrace certain aspects of Utopia, primarily the Office of Child Rearing's licensing requirements, since, clearly, I would have had to study much more before bringing new life into the world.

Or is it God who creates life?

IF SO, MAYBE I'M OFF THE HOOK.

Anyway, the licensure would surely include sample questions bound to require quick, knowledgeable answers, and not DRUNK SUPPOSITION.

"Dad, what's a douche?"

I remember back in the 80s there used to be a television commercial showing a couple of older women walking along the beach, and the younger one, in her 30s, asked the older one, in her 50s, 'Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?,' and I always wanted to ask my old man what this meant, but he invariably began his ape-routine when faced with any and all matters uncomfortable, and would shout, 'OF COURSE YOU DON'T FEEL FRESH! YOU'RE 50! HAHAHAHA!,' and then everyone in the room would break out into nervous, quiet laughter so that he wouldn't throw his beer bottle at us for not finding him the funniest man on the planet. Kind of creepy, and probably the reason my memoir keeps getting rejected.

But it's not like my method of explaining everything the way a confused Sesame Street character would is any better.

/cue the ducks

"A douche? Well, you know how some people have belly buttons that stick out?"

"Outies?"

"Yes! This is going to be easy. Anyway, you know how some people have 'innies' instead of 'outies'? Well, occasionally, these 'innies' get full of unwanted items like lint and coins and chunks of beef."

"Huh?"

"So sometimes you gotta clean that shit out."

"…"

"And boys and girls have a different sort of belly button, you know, DOWN THERE. DOWN THERE, boys have outies, and girls have innies. And sometimes those innies DOWN THERE also get lodged with unwanted items. That's what a douche is for."

"To clean out your belly button?"

"YES! But it's mostly a marketing ploy, see, because girls' innies DOWN THERE are, in fact, self-cleaning."

"Like an oven?"

"EXACTLY. So don't be sticking any douches in your belly button. Just use your finger."

"Don't I have an outie?"

"No, I don't think s--, oh, you mean DOWN THERE. Yes, DOWN THERE you have an outie. So, yeah, don't be, er, sticking anything…well, anyway."

"Are outies self-cleaning, too?"

"Do you wanna go play catch or something? I'm sort of running short on metaphors here."

"Sure. Can you answer some other questions I have, too?"

"I think maybe we should just throw the ball."