A Brief HIstory of the Edible Portions of My Back Yard

I’m an amateur horticulturalist, meaning my tendency to drink a case of Steel Reserve © and pass out in the woods has forced me to learn to identify the edible nuts and berries that might one day save my life.

A survey of my back yard proves once again that all the money we spend on the FOOD portion of groceries is wasted resources.


Beaked Hazelnut. Edibility: Very. Must chew through nut and fight off larger forest animals.


Salal. Edibility: Pretty good. Never grows more than a foot or so off the ground, so a good choice for when standing is contraindicatory (i.e. YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR CLOTHES ARE)


Indian Plum. Edibility: Not bad, really. And the birds are super crazy about this, so if you're lucky, someone will realize you haven't been seen in several days and notify the authorities (WORST SEQUITUR EVER)


Oregon Grape. Edibility: Meh. I guess. But now you're just starting to get desperate, and if there's anything worse than a drunk who just keeps repeating things overandoverandoverandover it's a drunk who just keeps repeating things overandoverandoverandover a drunk who just keeps repeating things overandoverandoverandover (NEW WORST SEQUITUR EVER)


Oceanspray. Edibility: VERDICT STILL OUT. But no vomiting as of yet.