For Fun and Profit

cock

One of the nice benefits of having published a book or two is that drunken friends and family look to you as an expert of sorts, willing to adhere to any and all prescriptions that tickle your fancy.

Unnamed Relative, Twice Removed: Brandon, you wrote that book about paying for college, right? How do I get a grant for my nephew so that he don’t have to pay for learnin’?

Me: Oh that’s easy. All you gotta do is write a letter to the Undersecretary of the Interior claiming that the Clean Water Act resulted in your nephew developing webbed toes. It’s our hidden code-speak for all those free-ride scholarships that go unclaimed every year.

Relative: Really?

Me (Too drunk to say ‘No, I’m kidding.’): Yeah.

HOWEVER, HAD I KNOWN THE POWER OF SELF-HELP AUTHORSHIP, I SURE AS HELL WOULD HAVE PICKED A LIVELIER TOPIC.

Additionally, I’ve also come to realize that adding ‘FOR FUN AND PROFIT’ to the end of a book title is like GOLD, only better, because people will do all sorts of crazy things FOR FUN AND PROFIT whereas most folks pretty much balk or call the authorities when I try to pay in bullion.

/cue the ducks

Relative’s Suddenly Mature Niece: Hey, didn’t you just write a new book?

Me: Yes. Yes, I did.

Relative’s Suddenly Mature Niece: What’s it called?

Me: ‘Show Me Your Boobs: For Fun and Profit.’

Relative’s Suddenly Mature Niece: Really? Can that be profitable?

Me: Don’t forget fun!

SCENARIO TWO

Niece’s Girlfriend: You wrote a follow-up, too, right? What was that book called?

Me: ‘Teabagging: For Fun and Profit.’

Niece’s Girlfriend: What’s teabagging?

Me: There’s a diagram on page 38.

Niece’s Girlfriend: /flips to page 38, disgusted look

Me: Well, those aren’t MINE.


Kinks: Still a few to work out.