Ready?

A few years ago, my friends at my old office decided to jump on the Ready.gov fake captioning bandwagon. Yes, this has all been done before, but you can never be TOO ready.

Or can you?!?

/cue sinister music

/and the ducks

Yeah, in case of nuclear radiation, stand behind a single sheet of drywall. You should be fine.
Yeah, in case of nuclear radiation, stand behind a single sheet of drywall. You should be fine.

Bitch slap anyone who runs towards the exit.
Bitch slap anyone who runs towards the exit.

People basically respond in either one of two ways to Kevin Federline's music.
People basically respond in either one of two ways to Kevin Federline's music.

Out of curiosity, I offered myself to the handsome stranger, but when he was done, I was overwhelmed by shame.
Out of curiosity, I offered myself to the handsome stranger, but when he was done, I was overwhelmed by shame.

Pfft. You can pretty much outwalk a chemical attack.
Pfft. You can pretty much outwalk a chemical attack.

Running parallel to the contaminated area seems like a good idea. Because parallel lines never cross?
Running parallel to the contaminated area seems like a good idea. Because parallel lines never cross?

March 10, 2003 (AP) - The FDA today announced it has banned the new 'Flaming Ass Gordita' at thousands of Taco Bell restaurants nationwide.
March 10, 2003 (AP) - The FDA today announced it has banned the new 'Flaming Ass Gordita' at thousands of Taco Bell restaurants nationwide.

Thirsty for something new and refreshing! Try Ocean Wave's Totally Rad Cran-Fish! (This message brought to you by the Florida Citrus Association)
Thirsty for something new and refreshing! Try Ocean Wave's Totally Rad Cran-Fish! (This message brought to you by the Florida Citrus Association)

Unmatched storage is a crime.
Unmatched storage is a crime.

Scrub if you want, but God still saw what you did.
Scrub if you want, but God still saw what you did.

Brokeback Mountain was an even bigger hit in Switzerland.
Brokeback Mountain was an even bigger hit in Switzerland.

Painting your apartment during an attack is a good way to defeat the terrorists.
Painting your apartment during an attack is a good way to defeat the terrorists.

Terrorists make ninjas cry.
Terrorists make ninjas cry.

If you’re not here, I don’t know what to tell you.
If you’re not here, I don’t know what to tell you.

Gamma rays are known to cause drastic increases in size. If you can’t fit through the entrance SMASH PUNY DOOR! GAAHHHRRR!
Gamma rays are known to cause drastic increases in size. If you can’t fit through the entrance SMASH PUNY DOOR! GAAHHHRRR!

Now’s probably a good time to sell that condo on Main and Broadway.
Now’s probably a good time to sell that condo on Main and Broadway.

You could probably drive around it.
You could probably drive around it.

Alice doesn’t live here anymore.
Alice doesn’t live here anymore.

Hmmm? Anthrax in a can? Genius!
Hmmm? Anthrax in a can? Genius!

If you hear an explosion, hide beneath that card table you've been using as a desk. That'll protect you.
If you hear an explosion, hide beneath that card table you've been using as a desk. That'll protect you.

Test for freshness by sniffing three fabric softeners at a time.
Test for freshness by sniffing three fabric softeners at a time.

The part where he falls is the funniest.
The part where he falls is the funniest.

Try to stand in the radiation field for 5 minutes and 13 seconds. Cause then you’ll have beat the record.
Try to stand in the radiation field for 5 minutes and 13 seconds. Cause then you’ll have beat the record.

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