When I’m in pain, my wince actually looks like a normal person’s smile, at least from what I know of normal people, for though I am not an axe murderer, I have had to come to the realization that I’m not like most normal people. In fact, I’m saying this out loud as I type. I never have to ask, ‘Why is everyone looking at me?’ because I KNOW WHY THEY ARE LOOKING AT ME.
Pain because mine eyes hath be’en smote by reading some political news or another. Namely, a report on the government’s Katrina response that points out a need for a NEW SAFETY SLOGAN which in 5 words or less will save billions of lives, much as people once sprinted to their fiery dooms before ‘Stop, Drop and Roll’ put a merciful end to the flaming carnage.
As a writer, I’m always thrilled to see recognition of the fact that WORDS save lives, not people, people. WORDS. Not levees or Automatic External Defibrillators or school buses or clean, renewable energy, but WORDS.
So the next time your life is threatened by a soon-to-detonate bomb, you can keep your MacGyvers and your Bill Nyes and your British Royal Engineers. Give me a nameless sloganeer, instead.
/cues the ducks
Steps to Take in an Avalanche
Your Tracking Device Will Break the Ice
Increasing Your Odds in a Tornado
Kansas is a Cellar’s Market
(Insert whatever state you want. THAT’S the beauty.)
Living After a Plane Crash in the Mountains followed by a Blizzard
Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Mo,
50 calories in a toe.
Understanding Volcanoes
Sticks and stones will break your bones, and the molten lava will pretty much take care of the rest.
Averting a Herpes Pandemic
Ix-nay on the icks-day
(alternately, Ix-nay on the icks-chay)
How to Survive a Typhoon (at sea)
Hey! Aweigh and Away!
Reacting to a House Fire/Nuclear Holocaust
Stop, Drop and Repent
Avoiding Retro Fashion Disasters
In one year and out the other.
Preventing Choking on Large Chunks of Beef
Measure once, cut twice
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