Born in a Barn

It’s the most bizarre thing, but I find I’m addicted to Pat Robertson’s ‘Bring it On: Love, Marriage and Sex’ forum.

Our answers to the readers’ questions are remarkably similar.

My wife is constantly flirting with men. I know she's harmless with her comments, but lately I'm beginning to have my doubts. How can I let her know she's hurting my feelings? I want her to stop, but I don't want to appear insecure in our marriage?

Pat: The reason that women flirt is that it builds their self-esteem. It is an ego thing. I am attractive to men and I can put some moves on and these guys really go for me. It starts out harmless, but there will be some men who will think it is more than a casual flirtation. They are going to start hitting hard. Next thing you know, Mrs. Flirty wife will find herself mixed up in an affair.

Brandon: Mrs. Flirty wife? Heh. Uh, yeah, what Pat says. You’re fucked. Hard.

I occasionally work late with my coworker. We both are happily married. As we left together late one night, he walked me to my car. As I opened my door, he leaned over and kissed me on the mouth. He walked away as if nothing happened. Should I tell my husband?

Pat: You don't want the husband storming into the office and physically assaulting the guy and getting arrested. It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything. It was unexpected.

Brandon: Uh, yeah. Don’t tell your husband about some guy assaulting you in the parking lot. Good luck with that.

I have been looking for single women in nightclubs because there are so few in my church. Do you have advice on how I can meet Christian women?

Pat: Go to another church. What do you want to do? You go to a singles bar to pick up ladies who are looking for one-night stands. That isn't exactly where you are going to find the godly types. You might. You might stumble across one in some singles bar. It is possible they are lonely and are looking for somebody, but there are churches that are absolutely loaded with young people. You say you are in a church where there aren't any particularly young people. It sounds like you have got an older congregation. I wasn't being facetious. Go to another church, if that's what your need is, where you will find Christian women.

Brandon: Wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a church that doubled as a singles bar? But yeah, sounds like Pat is right. Sounds like you’ve got an older congregation. Sounds like instead of praying, you’re eyeing the pews for singles, too. Dude.

I stayed loyal to my wife even though she fought alcoholism and emotional problems. She is now living with another man while our divorce is pending. Our children would like for us to try one more time. Do you think my thirty years of loyalty were enough, and should I move on?

Pat: You ought to get a medal: America's Husband of the Year. It is your call on a thing like this. You read in the book of Hosea about somebody who was told to go marry a woman given to harlotry. She went into prostitution and her husband bought her back again. It was a story of God's faithfulness to the people of Israel. That was the symbolism. There is something seriously wrong with this womanShe needs professional help very badly. She needs to get set free from these things. There might be some demonic involvement, but certainly she has a warped personality. What do you want to do? I think that you are free to leave if you wish. You have done everything you have to do. Gomer [in the book of Hosea] was out with all of these men, and her husband went and brought her home.

Brandon: Did you ever read Hosea? Well, to put it bluntly, you got hosed, Gomer. Your woman is warped. According to the Bible, you done married yourself a prostitute.

My husband is in an adulterous relationship. I have forgiven him, but he says although he loves me, that 20 percent of his affection is still with this other woman. He doesn't want to divorce me, but wants to include our 8-year-old child in his relationship with this other woman and her kids. My husband is not saved and not open to the Word. What can I do?

Pat: Adultery is flaunted openly. I have heard of people who have brought their girlfriends on a family vacation. I know in history, certainly in the continent, England, and other places, this seemed to be more common than we would like to think. I guess as well in South America and Spain. They have girlfriends. The wife and children are one part of their life; the girlfriends are another.

Brandon: Wait, England’s a continent? I haven’t been to South America/Spain, so I’ll just have to take Pat’s lead. Sounds like your husband is good with percentages, though. Math is nearly as hard as geography.

My Christian husband insists on traveling out of state, against my wishes, to attend a bachelor party with non-Christians in Las Vegas. He says there will be no pornography or sinful activity there. I still think he shouldn't go. Who is right?

Pat: The bachelor parties are normally orgies. They have strippers and lap dancers. A lot of people get drunk and there are dirty jokes. The answer is that there is just no way that someone is having a bachelor party in Las Vegas. If he is really all that holy and righteous, let him do it someplace else. But these bachelor parties are usually bacchanal revels.

Brandon: I need to start going to more bachelor parties.

I feel led by the Lord to help infertile couples and have recently finished a successful surrogacy. I would like to do more. This seems to be causing a great deal of controversy and other people are saying my actions are an act of adultery. Since I did not engage in sexual activity, is being a surrogate adultery?

Pat: Surrogate is the idea that you implant an embryo. There isn't anything wrong with that. Look back at Abraham and Sarah. Sarah says, 'I can't have a child. I am infertile. Take my maidservant and you have a child by her.' That apparently was OK.

Brandon: It’s fine as long as you’re a maidservant.

My Christian husband is infatuated with (addicted to?) computer pornography. He says it is harmless and educational, but I say it is ruining our sexual intimacy. Who is right and why?

Pat: The most powerful human instrument of sexual desire is the mind, not the genitals. To the man addicted to hard-core pornography, real physical sex with a real woman pales beside the mental eroticism found on the Internet.

Brandon: The most powerful human instrument of sexual desire is the mind, not the genitals. To the man addicted to hard-core pornography, real physical sex with a real woman pales beside the mental eroticism found on the Internet.

Oh, jinxy!

My husband says he doesn’t think I’m attractive anymore. He points out the women in his adult movies and tells me I should look young and thin like that. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I’m trying to look better and exercise more, but he says he doesn’t notice a difference. I doubt if I’ll ever look like them. Can I ever win my husband’s affection again?

Pat: If he’s already looking at adult movies, he’s hooked on porn. Those nymphets in those porn movies were selected out of thousands to get just the most shapely ones, and the chances are almost all of them have had plastic surgery.

Brandon: I defer here to Pat’s porn expertise. I’m ashamed to admit I never knew that porn stars were culled from the shapeliest of thousands of nymphets.