I was asked to come up with an idea for a new holiday, and it got me thinking in a way I hadn’t thought since I was a young boy trying to decipher the lyrics to Mr. Mister’s ‘Kyrie.’ In other words, simpleton then, simpleton now, I have to break down the exercise into components, preferably involving a numbered list.
I figure, most good holidays gained success for a reason. So if I am to invent a quality holiday, I need to break it down into elements.
1. A Patron Saint. Good holidays are sponsored by some saint or another. Valentine, Nicholas, Patrick, Ides. My holiday will not be without a revered figure at its helm.
2. A Symbol. Children wouldn’t be so interested in Baby Jesus were it not for the X-mas tree. And without the Menorah, would Jews even bother with (C)hannukah? What would teenagers who can no longer trick-or-treat toss through the window of your pick-up truck were it not for the ubiquitous Jack-O-Lantern? And national pride would surely suffer on Independence Day without the ready availability of grenades and AK-47s. My holiday won’t make that mistake.
3. A Mascot. Without the Easter Bunny, I certainly wouldn’t find the crucifixion all that cute. And I honestly can no longer maintain an erection on Valentine’s unless I concentrate on the image of Cupid frolicking in his loincloth. My mascot definitely won’t be a Leprechaun, though. I mean, WTF? That makes no goddamned sense.
4. A Myth. True, we as adults know that the legends surrounding our major holidays didn’t REALLY happen. But the symbolism is powerfully symbolic. I mean, come on, who believes some overweight Scandinavian really climbed down every chimney in the world to deliver gifts and hope? Or that the Groundhog really predicts how much winter remains by whether or not he sees his shadow? Or that Martin Luther King, Jr., marched on Washington for civil rights? Riiiiiiight. Have you ever marched in Washington, DC in August? No WAY you have the energy to give a speech in that heat, my friend. Pure myth. But pure holiday MAGIC.
5. Meat. Even if you’re a vegan, you surely partake in Thanksgiving Day turkey and ham. Or Christmas Day turkey and ham. Or Ramadan turkey and ham. And Easter wouldn’t hold such special meaning come Monday morning without a big chunk of lamb flesh lodged in your gullet. Maybe that’s why vegans don’t get no holiday. How is it a holiday if you don’t make a sacrificial offering to the holiday pagans. Don’t be burning no motherfucking tofu on my pyre, you goddamned lightning rod. There are only 188 recognized holidays each year (including the entire month of February for African American History Month), so it’s not like you have to eat meat EVERY day.
6. A Massacre. The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, the Christmas Day Massacre, the Tet Offensive, et al. These fortuitously timed blood-lettings have always been a good reminder that ‘Hey, don’t we get a day off next week?’. I’ll make sure to have my holiday in the summer when the heat and humidity add to the likelihood that large groups of innocent people will get butchered.
7. Associated Alcoholic Beverage. Easter wine, St. Patrick’s Day Green Beer, April Fool’s Day Sharps, Father’s Day Everclear, etc. Who hasn’t enjoyed champagne on New Year’s? Or got hammered on Malt Liquor on Election Day? No, seriously, who didn’t get hammered last Election Day?
8. Bizarre Ritual. Okay, you don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day and your boss pinches you on your ass? What’s up with that? And how come he keeps doing it? Seriously. Brokeback motherfucker won’t stop. And it’s February for Chrissakes. Fine, I get it, I’ll wear green. My holiday will definitely involve fondling of some sort.
9. A Sporting Event. Be honest. The only reason we look forward to a New Year is because we get to watch college football. Because if there’s anyone who was really nice to me in high school and deserves to be celebrated, it’s neanderthals.
10. Fireworks. People like to blow shit up. I can’t put it any more clearly than that.
So this is why Christmas sets the gold standard for holidays. It has a massacre, alcoholic beverage associations galore, a ridiculous legend, a lot of meat and other things I didn’t even mention, like costumes, songs and controversy. Plus it happens on a Sunday, which means you get the whole rest of the week off (Fuck. I might be wrong about this.). And it’s why whoever planned Earth Day deserves to be served as a Thanksgiving Day hors d’oeuvre. No meat, no massacre, no patron saint. Just some malarkey about Global Warming (myth) and a lot of drinking (rock on).
With these guidelines, therefore, I hereby declare April 22nd to be the newest holiday, National Esteem Day (NED). I will make sure that it includes all 10 of the above elements, because it’s just like cooking up a good recipe. Imagine your ten favorite foods. Pretty good on their own, huh? Now imagine putting all those ingredients into a food processor and making a sort of green paste. Pretty fucking wicked awesomeness, am I right?
National Esteem Day will celebrate our own unique selves by encouraging us to buy stuff for ourselves. Most holidays you have to get things for other people who in turn are morally obligated to get you something even better, which leads to resentment and sometimes murder. NED simply cuts out the middleman.
NED also has its own drink: vermouth. That’s ‘cause vermouth is really just wine, it’s fortified, and it’s cheap, and even more it’s italian, and also, it can be mixed with other liquors, like vodka (aka verdka), tequila (aka verquila), and everclear (aka evermouth).
And NED will have meat, believe you me. The traditional NED entrée will be a beef brisket wrapped with bacon and stuffed with haggis. The entire thing will be stuffed into a turkey carcass and that will be jammed inside a monkfish and baked at 450 for only 10 minutes. Instead of carving it, however, it will be placed on the dinner table and lit with M80s. The resulting explosion will both serve to commemorate the victims of the National Esteem Day Massacre and spread the portions of St. Monk’s Haggis Medallions over the surprised faces of the guests. After dining, you should sit down to watch bowling, the only sport where contestants smoke during competition.
I mean, come on.
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