Worse
Wasn’t there a whole roll of toilet paper here a minute ago?
Worser
Why won’t the toilet flush?
Worsest
What’s all this then? Why is there raw sewage floating in the yard?
Worstliest
Who should I call?
The POLICE.
The police will fix our septic tank?
The POLICE will keep me from killing our child.
So who’s gonna fix the septic tank?
I am.
You?!? VLAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
…
Wait, are you serious?
When you own your own home, it’s you who fixes it. That’s the rules.
Do you hear yourself talking?
I’m gonna need a shovel. And a case of Coors Light. No, scratch that. Better make it regular Coors. I’m gonna need all the energy I can get.
* * *
1 hour later
Tristan wants to know if he can help you. He thinks you’re digging for buried treasure.
Fine. Just be sure and explain the risk he’s taking by approaching me while I’m holding a shovel.
* * *
2 hours later
I think I found it.
That’s the septic tank? What do you do now?
Well, it’s easy. You just remove the inspection cover over the baffle and remove the trapped debris.
Are you sure?
Well, that’s what this user’s manual says.
You’re reading the back of the beer can.
Could you hand me a couple more inspection manuals, please?
* * *
All CLEAR.
You FIXED it?
Yep. And I didn’t even have to stick my hand in there.
YAYYY…
Much.
yyy-ohh. Speaking of, you think you could go tell Tristan you’re not mad at him anymore? I think he’s real sorry for what happened.
Yeah, no problem. Just as soon as I clean up. Um, hey, wasn’t there a whole roll of toilet paper here a minute ago?