Not long after we met, you took my hand and traced ink flowers into my palm, sending too many waves through my senses, filling me with overwhelming affection; to drown in my own desire, as if from water intoxication. From the first moment, you overran my banks, levee bursting, a storm. I remember those first stories of your life, with heart-rending detail…
Heart rending? Maybe you mean heart wrenching.
Uh, I’m sort of in the middle of something.
Sorry.
With heart-rending…
Or maybe you mean heart rendering?
What? Heart rendering? What, are we turning her history into Puppy Chow?
Ha! That’s funny.
Fine. With details as sweet as…
Splenda?
Uh. Hmm. Look, I don’t know how to say this, but I think it’s time we saw other people.
You’re breaking up with your Muse?
Emotionally, I left long ago.
But I’m only trying to help. You can’t just make up your own rules for spelling and grammar. Lately, nothing you’ve written makes any sense at all. It reflects poorly upon me, too, you know. Remember, it’s a public blog.
I wanted to fill you with the warmth and beauty of…
New windows?
I wanted to treat you as though my conscience depended upon my every misdeed, because in the end, I have to lie in the bed I make; I have to sleep with myself at night…
What is that? A euphemism for diddling?
That’s it. Please leave.
You cannot write without a muse.
I’ll post an opening on Craig’s List.
* * *
/10 minutes later
Seattle
Gigs
Creative
Tue Jan 17
Experienced Muse Needed
Reply to: brandon@onechildleftbehind.com
Date: 2006-01-16, 11:43PM PST
Mediocre blogger seeking occasional, but ongoing Muse.
Qualified candidate must:
* Inspire, without correcting grammar or spelling (I occasionally misuse your for you’re, all right?)
* Be a smoker, or have similar bad habit
* Meet deadlines, typically 11 pm on weeknights, Monday through Thursday
* Have working knowledge of standard 80s arena rock lyrics
Additional pluses:
* Live in the South Puget Sound
* Know a terrific drink recipe that combines dry vermouth, Worcestershire sauce, Jose Cuervo and sour apple brandy
# this is in or around Seattle
# no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
# Compensation: based on experience