And the Crowd Went Wild

Excerpts from a keynote I gave to a graduating class of AmeriCorps members a couple of weeks ago.

Dignitaries were in attendance.

* * *

I have so much respect for people who perform community service.

Except Winona Ryder.

She should have known better than to be stealing, even if it was just for fun. And she should have known better than to make Autumn in New York, even if it was just to pay the bills, cause obviously it didn’t help, or else why would she be stealing?

And I know you didn’t sign away a year of your life to AmeriCorps to listen to some guy talk about how it all went TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY wrong for Winona Ryder, but maybe, just maybe, some of you did.

And to you, I say this, ‘That’s really weird.’

And to the rest of you, I say, ‘AmeriCorps really attracts the crazies, huh?’ Oh, wait.

But truthfully, if you look at Webster’s definition of ‘crazy,’ you get ‘out of the ordinary.’ And to be honest, AmeriCorps members really are out of the ordinary. Not many people choose to make the sacrifices you have made. And fewer still are able to live up to that initial commitment. In essence, I’ve come all this way to talk to a bunch of crazy people, and I’m hoping not to anger you, cause like I just pointed out, Webster thinks you’re crazy.

And Arnold wants to know, ‘Whatchoo talking about?’

Get it? Webster? Arnold? Anyone?

Anyhoo, I’ve written a little poem to celebrate your accomplishments and how far you’ve all come, now that it looks like you’ve made it through your year:

Looks like we made it,
Left each other on the way,
To another love.
Looks like we made it,
Or I thought so, til today,
Until you were there,
Everywhere,
And all I could taste was love.
The way we made it.

Okay, so by now you probably realize that I didn’t have time to write you a poem myself, but am instead merely reciting Barry Manilow lyrics. And I’ll be honest, now that I’m reading these lyrics out loud for the very first time, I’m realizing it was a colossally poor choice. And if any of you know Barry Manilow, please tell him that I said, ‘Too much information, Dude.’

And for those of you who don’t know Barry, and I imagine that this is at least half of you, you’re probably thinking more about what you’re going to be doing over the next few years and when I’m gonna finish talking and let you get on with it already. But whether it’s work, or study, or work-study, I hope that each of you will continue to volunteer. This might, of course, not be what you want to hear. After all, volunteerism is hard work, and the pay is lousy. And you are often expected to do much more than what your limited resources can possibly allow.

But if there’s one thing my grandmother taught me, it’s that you only need one good kidney.*

*This last line blatantly stolen from Jenny Amadeo, who wrote it to me in an email. Words of warning: If you send me funny emails, I will plagiarize your sorry @$$.