Twelvey: What about over the clothes? Is that okay?
Thirty-Niney: No! No, of course not! In fact, not only does that constitute sexual relations, it’s just plain weird. And it burns.
Twelvey: Well, what about just oral?
Thirty-Niney: No, that’s not okay, either! Look that’s sexual relations, too. Look, I understand your impatience. I was in your shoes once. I mean literally, those are MY shoes. But there’s no need to rush into things. You’re young. Just talk. Or send her a nice email.
Twelvey: A what?
Thirty-Niney: Oh, never mind, you’ll understand later. Uh, write her a letter. That doesn’t constitute sexual relations.
Twelvey: Oh, hey, here’s one for you. You want to know what else does NOT constitute sexual relations? My entire friggin’ life, that’s what.
Thirty-Niney: Okay, now relax…
Twelvey: I mean, come on, it’s not like you had to write a new chapter in the Kama Sutra, but even Jesus would belittle me:
Twelvey having imaginary conversation with the Lord: But I thought you would appreciate my chastity?
Jesus: Well, yes, but I mean holding hands is perfectly okay. Don’t be a total loser and put it on my head. Jeesh.
Twelvey: See?
Thirty-Niney: * rolls eyes * Don’t worry, it will happen.
Twelvey: When? When I’m 14?
Thirty-Niney: * silence *
Twelvey: 16?
Thirty-Niney: * kicks at dirt *
Twelvey: 18? Oh, for god’s sake, 20? Over 20?!? What the hell, man!
Thirty-Niney: Look, what’s important is not when, but how much you get after you do start.
Twelvey: * grins * Oh, so I hit it pretty hard in my 20s, do I?
Thirty-Niney: Well, let me rephrase that. What’s important is not how much you get, but the fact that you don’t get any sexually transmitted diseases.
Twelvey: You suck.
Thirty-Niney: Well, none of the serious diseases, anyway.
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