Unset

Redbook. Of all the magazines in all the world, Alex had to pick Redbook. In magazine terms, it’s only slightly better than Vogue (which is the root of all Elvis – fatter and gaudier than all the rest).

I’ll still read either one, though, if I find them sitting in front of me. But I read a whole lot of blogs I can’t stand, too. Amoral fixation. Click a hyperlink of a trusted favorite, and boom, you’re reading some moron spew hatred, forcing you to do everything in your power not to a. flame the sonofabitch or b. blogroll the sonofabitch out of some morbid curiosity, like poking a dead bird with a stick.

Redbook this month has on its cover perhaps the most beautiful American actress today. Of course, since I never watch movies, I have only ever seen her in The Outsiders, years ago. (I wonder if Soda Pop respected the cock?)

And of course, Redbook printed the monthly requisite variation on a theme: ‘Diary of an Affair: One Couple’s True Story.’

I most assuredly poked that bird with a stick.

Boy meets Girl. Girl marries Boy. Boy becomes Girl’s Father. Girl Doesn’t Want to Bang Father. Girl Bangs Co-Worker, Instead. Boy Finds Out. Boy Agrees to Couples Therapy. Now Boy and Girl Are Happier Than Ever.

Serious. In spite of the infidelity, the husband sees that he owned partial responsibility by under-appreciating her. The cheating turned out to be their epiphany. From martial bliss to marital bliss via foreign invader.

Alex comes home as I finish the article.

“Alex, you should totally cheat on me!”

“Vut?”

“Yeah, I was reading this story in Redbook, and the couple wasn’t truly happy until the wife started banging another guy. And now they’re happier than ever!”

“So you vant me to bang other guys?”

“Yes! It’s the only way we’ll be truly happy! Hey kids, don’t you want mommy and daddy to be happier?”

“Yaaaayyyy!”

“See?”

“Vell, okay. I vill bang other guys, as you vish.”

“Oh, just a clarification, though. It doesn’t have to be ‘guys,’ plural. It can be just one guy. I’m pretty sure the article was pretty explicit on that point.”