Publishers Cleaning House

1995, Columbia, Missouri

Scene, Student Apartments, University of Missouri. Foreign girl rushes from one side of one-room apartment to other side. She is holding an unopened letter.

Good news! Ve vun meelion dollars!

Uh, no, that’s just a magazine subscription.

But eet says right here! Ve vun meelion dollars! Eet even has your name: ‘Meester Brandon D. Rogers!’

Yeah, uh, it’s a gimmick. We won the right to get a magazine subscription at 15% off.

Curses in foreign tongue. Dees eez evel country!

You quit your job didn’t you?

Evel! Spits on floor.

Hey! That’s our floor!


2005, Yelm, Washington

Scene: Home in the country, the, er, country. Foreign girl rushes from kitchen to bedroom. She is holding an unopened letter.

Good news! Ve vun meelion dollars!

Uh, no, that’s uh, wait…Holy cow! You’re right! We really did win meelion dollars!

Really!?

No!!! How many times do I have to tell you this?

Dees eez evel country! Spits.

Hey! Those are my shoes!