1988

Not that I’m single or anything, but if I were, I would totally pair up with one of those blogger chicks with like a billion hits per day. Margaret Cho, for example. And I would write cryptic love notes to her in order to boost my own site stats.

But in reality, I would be completely into someone else, someone with like no hits. And eventually it would come out in the blogosphere that I was using Margaret to build my own image in the eyes of this obscure blogging Lolita (her profile would list her age at like 17 or something).

And after Margaret gave me a thorough and well deserved reaming online, my stats would absolutely explode, and I’d get /.'ed or fazed or gawkered or lindsayed, or what have you. And after the dust settled, I’d pronounce my devotion to Lolita, only to get impatient with her not including me on her blogroll (‘It’s too soon,’ she’d say. ‘And Margaret scares me.’)

But then I’d find out through Technorati that the real reason Lolita’s putting me off is because she’s the married wife of an impotent State Representative who let her fantasy get a little out of hand. But Margaret would totally uncover this and send her spiteful minions to the local paper sparking an expose. And the local paper would list my web address, and the new site hits would come so furiously that they would actually cause the light bulbs in my kitchen to explode in slow motion like Roy Hobbs hitting that unlikely homerun.

And Margaret would later find me lying in a pool of my own orgasmic ego plasma, how overjoyed I’d be at the whole episode. She’d take photos of my bare, unconscious ass and use it for the cover of her latest book. Then, Kirk Cameron and Vanity would have an intervention, warning me that I’m going to hell, and clarifying that, in fact, if you want to get technical about it, Jesus died for our sins and not our stupidity.

And I’d be like, ‘Who died for my shins, Mike?’

That’s when I would realize that Kirk Cameron actually starred in a movie with Margaret Cho called Like Father, Like Son, back when there were a spate of these sorts of films, like Big and Vice Versa and 18 Again!.

And that’s when Margaret Cho would reappear and smack me on the back of my head, saying, ‘That’s Margaret Colin, bitch!’

And I’d be all, ‘Well who was the love interest in Big? Wasn’t that Margaret Colin?’

And she would tenderly say, ‘No, baby. That would be Elizabeth Perkins. You really didn’t know?’

‘No, Maggie. I never knew. It was always you.’

The End.

This post brought to you by an entire bottle of Riesling.

And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no-one can take away your right
To fight and never surrender