at home, checking out the whole 'tv' phenomenon
Next month I’m headed off to DC for another non-naked convention. Of course, when I take trips, I do the whole traveling parent routine and try to pick up gifts for my kids so that they’ll look forward to me leaving, er, returning. I, have of course, learned my fair share of lessons.
On my last trip to Kansas City, for example, I decided to do both my gift shopping and personal alcoholic beverage purchases on Day One. I walked across the street from my hotel to the local Wal-Mart, which unlike the versions out here in Washington, can actually sell hard liquor. And they sell it reeeeeal cheap, because, well, it’s Wal-Mart, and the employees of Wal-Mart have given up health care so that I can afford to get boozed up. (Thank you! NO! Thank YOU!)
But on this particular occasion I learned a valuable lesson in shopping for booze. Booze goes with booze. And maybe porn. Or deli meats and fast food. Booze does not go with children’s gifts.
Not knowing this at the time, I innocently dropped a bottle of whiskey into my handheld shopping basket and proceeded to the toy section. I found a cute little doll for Naya that seemed perfect. But unfortunately, nothing really popped out at me as suitable gifts for Alex or Tristan. Seeing that there was a Barnes & Noble across the street (and seeing as how B&N has been paying most of my bills lately) I decided to check out.
In the check-out aisle, I suddenly noticed with some consternation that the only two things in my basket were a bottle of booze and a doll.
These things happen to me on a regular basis.
Suddenly a little self-aware, I looked nervously at the other people in line. And of course, the first one, a woman with a child, made eye contact with me, panned down slowly to the items in my cart, raised an eyebrow just barely perceptibly, panned up again slowly until our eyes met again, pulled her kid in closer to her body and then stepped silently away.
The guy behind me didn't say anything, but I swear if he had, he would have been like, "Bottle o’booze and a doll? Special night planned for yourself, fella?"
And the cashier, when it was my turn to pay, was totally like, Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact, don’t make eye contact…
And I completely wanted to burst out saying, "Oh come on, man! You can look at me! The doll ain’t for me!"
But I know full well that in those situations, the other person always says, "Yeah, uh-uh. Look, I don’t want no trouble, mister, so, whatever you say."
Of course, I love that comic convention where people try to explain themselves out of awkward situations and no one else believes them. And I REALLY love when movie shopkeepers say, “Look, mister, I don’t want no trouble.” And I don't know if you're like me, but when I'm nervous and I think of something really funny at the same time, I kind of let one slip and laugh out loud.
So that's what I did.
And then the cashier did look at me.
And man, there was pure fear in those eyes.
I said, ’wait a minute, mister,
I didn’t even kiss her.
Don’t want no trouble with you.
And I know you don’t owe me
But I wish you’d let me
Ask one favor from you.’
No comments:
Post a Comment