Mr. Misery

It’s a comedy of errors, you see
It’s about taking a fall
To vanish into oblivion
Is easy to do
And I try to be but you know me
I come back when you want me to
Do you miss me miss misery
Like you say you do?

Having drinks with a friend following my Bell’s Palsy episode, we discussed one of those curiosities we have about women. Because it has always seemed to us that certain women are drawn to wounded men. Okay, so we know this is mostly misperception, but still, we’re guys and we’re rapidly becoming intoxicated and it’s an interesting topic.

“That’s why I wish I had a bullet wound or something. Or a knife scar. Chicks would dig that.”

“You could walk with a limp.”

“Oh, yeah, that would be hot. Limps are cool.”

“And mysterious.”

“But then someone would show up with a fake leg.”

“Yeah.”

“And totally steal her out from under me.”

“He’d have a leg up on you, is what you’re saying.”

“Funny.”

“You could start wearing that Bell’s Palsy patch.”

“Nah. The glasses, you know.”

“Yeah, I don’t see that happening.”

“Emotionally wounded.”

“What?”

“Girls want to exercise their maternal instinct, but they want to fix the problem. You know. With their love.”

“Can’t really nurse an eye back, huh?”

“No, but let’s say I was abandoned in the grocery store as a child. A beautiful woman could give me back my sense of security.”

“She has to be beautiful?”

“We’re fantasizing here.”

“Maybe she’s the one with the hidden wounds. Maybe you could nurse her back with your ability to see her inner beauty.”

“Okay, stop. This is my fantasy not a Dr. Seuss novel.”

“A Dr. Seuss novel? I know you don’t like to read, but still.”

“It’s the pity factor. I want a girl to come up to me and say ‘Oh, you poor thing! Let me get you out of those wet clothes!’ and then nestle me up to her bosom.”

“No one says bosom anymore.”

“BOSOM!”

“You could soil yourself.”

“Excuse me?!?”

“Yeah, you know, I mean you’d have to be pretty emotionally wounded to soil yourself. And then she’d have a reason to get you out of those wet clothes. And it’s not a real handicap, I mean, she could clean you up.”

“I’ve had a lot of weird fantasies, but none, and I mean not one, have involved soiling myself.”

“Maybe you’re just not creative enough.”

“Soiling yourself isn’t creative. It’s delusional.”

“You’re thinking inside the box.”

“So I just go up to a woman and say, ‘Excuse me, I just soiled myself. Will you take care of me?’?”

“It might work.”

“I WOULDN’T WANT IT TO!”

“Well, you’re making it sound like a full load. Just soil yourself a little. You know, just stain yourself.”

“I’m not talking about this anymore. Stain myself? That’s just stupid. Here, watch my jacket. I’m gonna limp to the bar and get us a couple more lemon drops.”

“Lemon drops? Dude, you are emotionally wounded. It’s not your fault.”