Snark Me, Pretty Please!

Nobody Snarks Me

In high school, I was the nice kid, the sweet guy, the kind soul. And of course, single and lonely. Obviously, I secretly wished to be the bad boy, the rebel, the potty mouth. (In fact, I bemoaned this to a friend, who said, “See? Right there’s your problem, Rogers. Potty mouth? You’re defeating your purpose if you go around telling folks that you want to be known as the potty mouth. Ooooh, look ladies, I hear Brando’s a real potty mouth...” he said with obvious sarcasm. Well, anyway, I thought he was being sarcastic. Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge...)

In airports, I look with envy upon those who are singled out in the security line as code reds. Don’t I look intimidating? I think, sipping my chai and turning the pages of the latest Jennifer Crusie romance. Why won’t they frisk me? I say aloud, as I voluntarily turn my belt buckle inside out to anyone who’ll notice.

And now I’ve become utterly fascinated with blog wars and trolls. Bloggers posting fighting words snarking others’ web sites. Reading the return volleys in comment boxes, hot to the touch with rage.

And I think, why doesn’t anyone snark me?

True, I don’t have much bad to say about other bloggers. And I can imagine how pathetic my response would be.

In fact, cue the wavy dream sequence and I’ll show you:

Angry Snarker #1: “Gawd! Have you seen brando’s pathetic excuse for a blog? F#ck*er.”

Angry Snarker’s Supporter #1: “Kick his @ss, Angry Snarker! Oh, you dun it now, NoChild, no one fecks with Angry Snarker!”

Angry Snarker’s Supporter #2: “Dude! He’s takin’ on AS? Oh, have mercy on his soul, AS! Doesn’t he know he can’t go toe to toe?”

Angry Snarker’s Supporter #3: “Look up his IP! GoogleBomb his @ss!”

Angry Snarker #1: “Oh, I’m gonna! He wanted it, and now I’m gonna give it to him!”

Me: “Jeez, I’m sorry, guys. If you would kindly point out the offending post, I’ll remove it and replace it with a public apology. I actually love your site, AS! You really should give it to me! Give it to me good, LOL!”

*End wavy dream sequence*

Fine. I would not make for a very exciting opponent in a blogsmack. I would show up to the rumble armed only with my killer dance moves and a first aid kit. I would try to see the truth in the trolls. In every angry comment I would imagine a childhood abuse or lost love. In short, I would be, as per my MO, disappointing.

But still, everyone likes to participate.

Won’t somebody please snark my @ss?