One Ring to Fool Them All

At this moment, you mean everything
With you in that dress, my thoughts I confess
Verge on dirty ......

August 1995

Pretty Girl: Hi, Brandon! *touches my arm*

Me (confused): Er, hello, Catherine. (thinking: I’ve loved you since the moment you accidentally blew smoke in my path, two years ago between our French classes)

Very Pretty Girl, Catherine: You just got back from Romania, right?

Me: Er, yes. (thinking: Was I in Romania? It seems like I’m under some sort of spell…)

My Catherine: You look different! What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Er, hello, Catherine.


Two hours later, walking home, thinking: "Catherine never talked to me before. Sure, I’ve matured a little. And yes, my French is now very, how you say, magnifique. But what’s going on here?"

*Pauses*

*Feels great big heavy band around ring finger.*

"Je suis bagué!"


Fool rushes in: Alex! We have a problem!

Alex (very young, only 19, and very beautiful): Vut eez it?

Fool (me): I can’t wear my wedding ring anymore.

Alex: Vy not? Do you not love me?

Fool: No! Of course I love you! That’s why I can no longer wear the wedding ring. I’ve heard of this phenomenon, but I didn’t believe it. The wedding ring has made me irresistible to other women.

Alex: You? But you are dork.

Fool: No, not me! The ring! Yes, I know I’m a dork, by the way, no need to remind me. But women are going to be offering me free sex if I keep wearing this thing.

Alex: But ve are married. Just turn eet down.

Fool: TURNING DOWN FREE SEX WAS NEVER PART OF THE DEAL!

Alex: (tears starting to well in her big, brown Slavic eyes)

Fool: Oh. I guess it was part of the deal. *looks at ring* In fact, I guess it pretty much was the deal.