What Would Emily Post Doo?

Uh-oh, we’re going to someone else’s house tonight for new year’s, and because Martha is in prison, I feel the need to take it upon myself to offer a little bathroom etiquette:

Okay, people: The toilet seat? I really don’t care whether you feel the lid should be left up or down. I do, care, however, that you understand that the lid can be replaced.

Really, it can!

You do realize this, right? You do realize that the toilet seat is not somehow welded to the foundation, right? The nuts and bolts are even made of large plastic, so you really don’t even need any tools!

In fact, because I'm such a handy-man, I'm running a special this month. I will come to your house and replace the seat for you. For an extra $30 I'll wear my special tool belt.

And I mean only the tool belt.

In addition, while toilet seats might have been considered a luxury item 140 years ago, you do realize you can get a new one today for less than $10? And those ‘soft foam’ seats are even cheaper.

However, you need to understand a few things about the foam seat, as well.

When a crack appears in the vinyl, it’s time to replace it. Seriously. That sh1t can cut you, man.

Oh, and you are aware that if you spill a few drops, it’s okay to wipe that up with some toilet paper? The foam is not meant to absorb your little drops of urine.

OH! One last thing. If your @ss were a weapon, it would much more like a sawed off shotgun, and much less like a sniper rifle. So do take it slow in there, m'kay? If you see a party guest grab his abdomen in pain and start running towards the bathroom, stop him! You need to calm him down before he gets in there. If you need to, have some friends assist you in holding him down. Speak gently to him. Let him know you're there for him. Only after he is in a much less panicked state should you allow him to use your toilet.

And this last point is especially important at new year’s parties, where some dude is always trying to pawn off the last of his egg nog concoction that he mixed before christmas. That was a week ago, for god’s sake!

May you have a Happy and Safe 2005!