Ho Ho No

10 years ago, I gave the gift of hate.

I was living in Sibiu, Romania at the time, and had only recently begun dating a local girl from the University. On Christmas, I visited her family and we spent the day eating, drinking and exchanging gifts. I gave her a bootleg copy of ABBA’s greatest hits that I had picked up in Istanbul.

I gave her sister a present, as well.

I think you know where this is going.

But it’s not my fault, damn it! Every time we had gone out somewhere, she always brought her younger, taller, non-English speaking sister.

You don’t know how deadly a combination that is for me.

At one point during the evening, the two of us locked eyes and I started getting dizzy. It could have been because she was so much taller, but I like to think it was something more profound.

I spoke to her in Romanian, and I’m not sure exactly what I said, but what I was thinking was, “I’m a BAD, BAD, BAD MAN. VERY BAD! RUN! RUN, SWEET GIRL!”

But she didn’t want to run any more than I did.

She actually told her sister everything the next day, and showed her the ring I had brought her from Turkey. It was one of those puzzle rings that they sell in abundance in the Bazaar. I’m sure it made the ABBA tape seem a little less meaningful, which is hard, if you think about it.

Two weeks later, we were engaged, our combined age: 39. Two months later, we were married.

The jilted sister eventually moved to America near us, and married a guy with 7 brothers. I’m not kidding. They live about a mile up the road. This year I got her a much nicer gift. A $600 JVC MiniDV camcorder.

I think there’s a moral to this story, but I can’t decide on which one:

1. Men are not to be trusted. Especially short men with a twinkle in their eye.
2. Women should not bring other single women on dates. Ever.
3. You can eventually atone for your mistakes. But only after 10 years have passed. And only if you spend a whole lot of money.

Let me know if you think of another.